I often have to remind myself I'm a mom. I'm Mia's mom. I bonded with her when the moment she was born and I looked into her eyes. One of the only times she has looked into my eyes, it was like she knew it was my voice she had been listening to the past nine months.
Taking responsibility for a daughter is more difficult than I thought, but not for the reasons I thought. I'm protective of her, but not only in the way a mother bear is protective of her cub, but rather the way I protect myself against criticism or teasing. I have transferred my own insecurities to her in some ways. Sometimes interpreting an innocent comment as a pointed insult.
My dad, doesn't fully understand Mia's difficulties. When he sees her, he expects that she will acknowledge him and want to play. When she walks away, he takes it as an insult and says "she's just being stubborn, that's what that is". I hear that and I think back to growing up and feeling mis-understood. Accused of intent that wasn't there.
On the flip side of that, I remember talking with him a couple of days before Mia's first day of preschool. I was telling him I just don't think she can handle it. My dad said, "she'll be fine. It's going to be hard for a little bit but she'll slowly get used to it'. I disregarded what he said, assuming he just didn't get it. It turns out he was right, Mia has adjusted and she's doing great. She hasn't cried at drop off since the second week.
The difficulty of raising a kid hasn't been so much raising Mia, it's mostly been raising myself. To allow for other's to be right sometimes, even when I don't think they should be.
I want to be Mia's example. I wouldn't be a very good example if I could never admit when I'm wrong or simply that someone else has a good point. When she gets into tough times, I want her to be able to think of how I've conducted myself and have a good example. What she sees takes precedence over every hot headed decision I may have made before she was born. I'm not there by any stretch of the imagination. I often find myself in a political or relgious debate that I wouldn't necessarily want her to model herself after. I want to be more open to opposing view points, I want to learn how to handle things the right way so I can teach her someday. Is this what all the other parents were talking about when they said how hard it is?
